I feel like crying but I know if I start I won't stop and I can't. I will push through I will push through I will push through this.

Mommy came to pick me after the English paper yesterday and I was telling her how shit it was and she pulled out a flower from bala knows where and awwwww. She got my fav flower in my fav colour :') And she's taking leave on Thursday to fetch me to school from school then to school and home again.

Today ahma fetched me after because it looked like it was going to rain. And daddy went to work later than he normally does to send me to school. I feel like crying hahahaha (I don't deserve this)

It doesn't feel as official as I thought it would. And it doesn't feel as big as I thought it would. I'm in the midst of it but I still don't feel urgency at all??

I am so scared of disappointing people. The look on their faces sickens me to the gut and it makes my internal organs twist and turn and church. And it makes my heart sink so, so, so low.

I'm sick of not being good enough. I want to break this cycle but I'm just not good enough to not be not good enough.

"Failure does not define you, his favour defines you. It makes you win in life, grants you success in this life, and you will reign in this life."

I am not afraid because I have a God that is bigger and greater than any difficulty. :')

So timely and so insanely blessed :') <3

Today I came home from studying with Shannon and my brothers came to the door and hugged me and said "JIE JIE!!!!" Then I hugged them back and they told me they missed me and I felt so so terrible and guilty.

Then my ahma came over for dinner and my aunt and her boyfriend joined us and we talked about so many things and my dad was being so hilarious and I haven't laughed so hard in so long.

I miss my life and I want my life back. And I haven't really actually come to terms with the fact that I'm taking O's this year but today it really really hit me and I am genuinely scared. I really don't know what to do if I screw this up because I have no back up plan.

I really don't know.

Today was a good day

I got out of the house and saw the sun for the first time in a long time and stepped on wet grass and actually smelt the morning air. Then I headed to Thomson to study and studied quite a lot. Met Shannon for lunch/ dinner then we continued studying. I actually really find joy in studying. I love studying. I just hate studying for exams. Because it defeats the purpose of actually really studying and it takes the joy out of studying. But anyway I love Shannon and I miss her like crap. I remember how in sec 1 we had like the best December holidays of our lives. We got so close then and look at us now! All grown up! We really have changed so much. And even if we don't go out as often or don't talk as often, I'm still as close or if not closer to her. It's a different kind of friendship, the one I share with her. And it's special as hell.
Then daddy fetched me home and we went to see Jasmine's old house on the way home. Driving up the hill, waves and waves of nostalgia hit me. I literally spent me childhood there. I remember her room so clearly, white double decker bed, pink walls with paint peeling off where posters used to be, her study table, the smell of her room, the blinds, the rows and rows of CDs hidden in the stairs of the double decker bed. I remember going to her house so much in primary school. I remember the swing at the playground, her neighbour's cat ginger, trick o treating around the estate, playing badminton outside her house on the road, I can even taste the food that her maid cooks.
Then when I got home I saw that they left me crab and soup and so I ate the crab and drank the soup and went to bathe. Watched the 9 o clock show in my parents' room then went back down and wrote a Chinese compo and watched The Voice. Read and bit and I am going to bed haaaappy :-)

Sights of this morning:

1. A lovely old couple on the train listening to music together, one bud in each ear.
2. Two 80 year old women (presumably best friends) having breakfast together. Sat together, with flowery overalls, pearl earrings, jade bangles, greyed hair, but so so happy
3. A man sleeping at the corner, a boy approaching the table next to the man with his grandmother. The boy turned to his grandmother and said "Shh"

People are so lovely.

I'm so afraid of losing people