It scares me knowing that 2012 is ending.

"I spent the last two days of 2012 with my best friend."

So every 30th of Dec for the past 3 years was spent with the bestest friend ever, ShannonWLW <3

It was such a fun night hahaha. We couldn't stop laughing but our fun got interrupted halfway by Mr Lizard. Called daddy to come and save us haha "DADDY SAVE US GOT LIZARD" "Where?" "ON MY BED!!! IT DROPPED FROM THE CEILING" "But I'm downstairs... eating ice cream.. and I'm scared of lizards." HAHAHA. But he saved us anyway yay <3 Then this silly girl started shouting "SPECIES SPECIES GOT LIZARD SPECIES ON YOUR BED AND YOUR LAPTOP COVER" and I was like wth is species do you mean DNA and she was like I think so but my brother and I call it species!!! Hahaha ok this probably won't make sense to any of you but it's for future references for myself. Right so we continued taking pictures and going crazy and laughing too hard hahaha. Fun times. And this sweetie wrote me a letter while I bathed and I made her hide it somewhere for me to find :') I love how sleepovers with this girl is so nonsense and even if we don't do anything crazy it's still so enjoyable! Love you so much bbg <3

moments

When you describe life, how would you describe it? Would you describe life to be great, unhappy, planned, perfect, or unexpected perhaps? I would say life is a cycle. A vicious, vicious cycle. Teri Tan shared with me a quote just now and it honestly struck a nerve.

"Every moment of your life is lived for the future--you go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a good job so you can get a nice house so you can afford to send your kids to college so they can get a good job so they can get a nice house so they can afford to send their kids to college.”

We say to live like we're dying and to live in the moment, but do we actually carry forward with that? Life is made up of moments, stitched together to form well, life. And every moment that passes, it passes for the future. How else do we progress if we are stuck in the moment, no? If you live in the moment, you would be stuck in the present, stagnant.  There are always things in the future that we work towards. I'm gonna work hard next year for O's, then the year after for EOYs, then A's, and it continues, we never stop working. We are constantly working for the future, towards the future. Even as we rest, we rest for the future. We rest to conserve energy, so that we can continue working hard to attain whatever there is to attain. There is no stop- everything is a cycle.

I think I'm just really scared about next year or really sad about the world not ending. There are so many things to look forward to, so many things to do, but that scares me too. Moments pass, then what? I think I'm just confused.

There's this dull, aching throb that can't seem to go away. I can't stop thinking about 2013 and what it'll bring. I can't stop thinking about what a lousy year 2012 has been because it has been so unexciting. I feel gutted that it's gonna be my last year in SN. I don't want 2013 to come, I really don't.

So.. 2012 is coming to an end. It's crazy. And I am sad.

Lying between my mom and my dad and half watching a movie and half falling asleep makes me feel like I am 5 again. I want so much to go back to being a child. But I guess we can sometimes play pretend too.

I honestly truly hate this holiday so much. Holidays only really started after my Chinese O's which was week 2 of November and even then it didn't really start. Training is from 2-5pm every Mon Wed Fri and as much as I love to train I think it's such a waste of time. I can't go out at all on those days except for dinner (but I will be to drained) so it's like I only have 2 free days in a week. Right now I feel like everything's a reverie because time is passing but it's like I'm stuck. I want to read books and spend time alone or go shopping and eat yummy food but time disallows. Such a wasted holiday. And what really sucks is that I'm gonna be sec 4 next year and I'm terrified. I hate what's to come and I'm not looking forward to 2013 at all.

tears

I guess the moment you truly realise how angry or sad or frustrated or tired you are is when you blink and that one lone tear just rolls down your face, leaving behind a trail of emotions. There are so many kinds of tears. Tears that fall, tears that pour and tears that can't seem to stop coming. It's amazing how much drop of water can hold. It can hold so much sadness, pain, anguish, frustration, anger and loss. But it can also only hold that much. Tears are a funny thing, but tonight tears soak my pillow wet.