School's starting tomorrow and I'm really really reluctant to go back. I can't wait to see all my babies but the thought of having to study and mug until the end of O's really truly sickens me. It just hit me how I can't go out as and when I like anymore and even if I do I'll feel so damn guilty about it. I feel so tired and worn out already just thinking about how hectic the next 4 months will be. Life.. :-(

Haven't actually been really genuinely happy in forever.

Idk I was just thinking why I wasn't happy then I realised the reason really lies with me.

I think too much and I over analyse everything and I get jealous too easily. I like to push people away and when they drift I want them back. I reject dates and when they go out with someone else I get annoyed. I dislike someone then I realise how much she really means to me and regret every bad thought I had of her. I try too hard and I act too damn well so much so that I actually believed that I was genuinely happy. I expect the world from people and when they give me the stars I get disappointed and upset. I want everything done my way and when it doesn't I get frustrated. I judge people too easily and I don't treasure those around me. I take everything for granted. I don't appreciate things like I should. I really hate myself. If I met myself I wouldn't even be friends with myself because I am everything I dislike.

But I am trying to be better. It's hard but I'm really trying.

Lunch + MBS

Birthday lunch with the babes at La Nonna

Amazing bread

Mac and Cheese

Lasagna 

Risotto

La Nonna

Prosciutto x mozzarella  

Lamb shank

Crespella 

Lemon Tart

Then we cabbed down to MBS

and acted like tourists

and became a princess

and had a pajamas party

and had macs for supper because one bowl of cup noodles just isn't enough.

Haven't had so much fun in forever :')

This whole stay was the most hilarious thing ever. 

(We were high from 0.04% alcohol in our shandy.)

So we drew the curtains and it felt like night time even though it was like 3pm and after what seems like partying for three million years we checked the time and it was only 9pm but everyone was already so sleepy hahaha.

The whole time we were just talking over each other and laughing so much like the kind where you roll on the floor and stomp your feet and hold your tummy and wish you could stop laughing because it hurts but you can't.

And eating a lot. 

But I had a really fun time with the chinkies and I love them so so much :') 

I can't believe you. I am so disgusted with the words you dare say. I would never have thought you were such a person. I honestly don't know how to face you anymore. I'm not even disappointed in your actions.

I'm revolted.

live while you're old

It's intimidating.

To know that one day, you'll lose your dad, your mom, your grandparents, your friends, yourself. One day, you will wake up and realize that someone or something is no longer part of your life, and you'll be left with this deep, wide, void in your heart that will never cease to be there. In that hole, it will be piled sky high with your regrets- the things you wanted but never had time to do with her, the words you once said to him that left you in a state of remorse, your mistakes, your faults, your fissures.

One day, everything you've worked so hard for, the build up of your efforts, the compilation of your passion, will crumple to naught.

And you can't do anything to stop it.

Everything in life is transient, remember that. It is scary to know that in one moment you can have everything you've ever dreamed of having, and in the next, those things will be stolen away from you- gone, like the wind. You can try to hold on to it, to salvage it, to piece the remains, but no, things are like sand, tiny tiny grains of sand that slip through your fingers, bit by bit, little by little, until it's all gone. But yet it is also liberating to know that with everything in your life, there's a time limit to it. It forces you to cherish whatever you have. When you know that you are nearing the end, when you know that you only have minutes, seconds, moments left, that's when you start to treasure everything you have.

Live while you're old, I say, so that you make every fleeting second count.

Off to Maldives tomorrow for a much needed getaway.

It has come to a point where the tears just don't stop flowing. The second my mind wanders, bam, the floodgates open. It's so embarrassing to cry everywhere- school, bus, road, bed, dining table. It feels horrible too.

I'm really facing the hardest part of my life right now. I just wish I could wake up and everything will be fine. All I want now is for Kinder to come home so that I can hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.

It's so funny to see everyone's helpless faces when I just start crying but friends thank you so much for the love, the messages, hugs, tweets, phone calls. I will tide over this.

No one should ever feel this kind of pain, ever.

For the first time in a long time I cried in front of my mom. It felt so good to hug her and just cry into her shirt. I love you mommy, so so much. Thank you.

I'm at an all time low. Literally all I can do right now is just cry. I've been crying non stop since Tuesday and it hurts so much. I don't know how I'm ever gonna recover. I just want everything to be ok again. It feels like a frickin nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up and see that things are normal again but I never wake up and things are not okay. This hurts so bloody bad. I can't even sleep to escape because my mind is too loud. Why why why why why. I wish I could say I am done but it's more than that. All my previous friendship and relationship problems and insecurities look so bloody minuscule to this. I really wish this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. I really want to feel ok again.
I feel so disgusted with myself because I'm supposed to stay strong for him but now all I can do is cry. And I have so many things to do next week but I just wanna cancel them so I can roll in bed and cry. I feel like a fucking loser. Today I was walking home and I started crying again and when I reached home my maid opened the door for me and I ran up to my room to cry. This feels so terrible and I don't know how to deal with this loss. I hate this with my entire being.

And I can't do things to distract myself or go out and have fun because I feel so bloody guilty and when I do I just feel the guilt griping all my internal organs and I just start to cry and cry again.