I want to turn my life around

I love my mommy so much

I love my grandma so much. I love how she loves me the most, I love how when I'm with her, I feel important, like for once, I matter. I love how she spoils me, and how no matter how old I am, with her I feel like I'm a kid again, cradled in her arms, running around in her garden, eating ba hu with porridge with her in her room.

Yesterday when I went to her house, she brought me to her closet and took out this ladybug stapler she got from her recent trip to Hong Kong and said "Shh, don't show people."
When I got out of her closet, my aunt was like "Eh! What colour is your stapler?" And I saw that my cousin's one was a cat, and my other cousin's one was also a cat, and both my brothers' ones were cats too. And I just felt so special you know? And it feels nice.

I love her ( and I don't ever want to lose her )

So many things happened in the last few days so let me just quickly note it down least I forget

1. The year is ending, it really is. And my secondary school life has ended too. Along with many other things. Growing up is difficult and scary but so so liberating.

2. We had grad night on Wednesday and everyone looked beautiful. I mean it. I was smiling throughout the whole night and relishing in how good everyone looked. The night was lovely. We sang the school song so loudly and said the pledge with all our heart and danced the family dance (my favourite dance on earth) in heels and held each other and sang to Hold On To Our Dream (IJ friends are friends for life, indeed). Then it hit me, we've grown up. And it's time to leave.

3. I love my chinkies. It's never a dull day with them. We laughed so much and did so many crazy things and I just love them to death. I just want to hug them and never let go. (Dear God, please let us all continue being a group. Please help us find time to meet and hang out, just like old times.)

4. I met Victor for beef stew (finally!!!!!) in town and we caught up (finally!!!!!!) and walked around and my stamina to shop SUCKS.

5. Met the bestest everest friend in the whole entire world for dinner. Walked from home to bishan and the walk was so therapeutic. It helped that it was my favourite time of the day- the time after a glorious sunset but before night falls. When the sky is a murky blue and street lights are yellow and everything is just in this perfect winter hue. Anyway we ordered mentaiko fries and IT WAS THE BOMBZZ I want more mentaiko fries now hahaha. After dinner we went to this platform by the stream and laid on our backs and watched the clouds gather and watched the lighting stretch across the sky and just basked in the comfortable silence. There really is no need for words. (I got about 10 mozzie bites tho HAHAHAHA)

6. Slept over at her place and everything was in it's usual familiarity. My second home, always.

7. Went for dinner with Teri at this lovely little cafe in Kovan and had greaaaaat food. Srsly super good OMG. The ambience and the staff were so good too. Lovely night :-))

8. My baby bro came home from Brisbane today and he is so cute. I mean like I always quarrel with him and all but he's so thoughtful and he really damn cute la. he got me nail polish and he said he asked the salesperson to "recommend a colour" hahahaha. And he bought my mom earrings and my other bro Skylanders and this hat with straws so you can drink without holding the cup and he bought my dad expensive chocolates and he got my maids kangaroo pens hahaha. Idk I can't wait for him to grow into a gentlemen.

9. It's 2am and I'm listening to worship music and I'm thankful for everybody who has been constantly pointing me back to Him. He is so so so faithful. :'))

We're growing up too quickly

Tuesday was great great great!

Had geog and chem on Monday and I was so delirious it was over I finished watching all sorts of dramas and shows and was hungover until Tuesday morning. Rolled out of bed and headed to school and met Evan (who came with a surprise for me) and Jamie and Celine at the cloud and we went (took the lift) up to the ISH. Sat around and talked and laughed and - SHIT GUYS I DIDN'T BRING ANYTHING MY ENTRY PROOF IS AT HOME. So I ran to st 13 to get it from daddy. Then on the way to the gate I saw Joanna jump off her cab and rip out her earpiece from her ears and charge towards me
"WHERE YOU GOING??"
"Home?"
"HUH WHY"
"Listening over already what" /this conversation continues as I continue walking towards the gate
"WHAT!!??? Shit shit shit I though it was 2???"
"12!!!"
/Joanna stops and I stop and she looks at me
"Lame la it's 2 la I didn't bring my entry proof hahaha come take with me"

Then when listening was over I went home and changed and went for Chinese tuition.

Ahma picked me from tuition and brought me for dinner at sushi tei. She's so cute I love my ahma so so so much. No one loves me and can love me more than she does and I won't ever love someone as much as I love her.

Then I went home and the weather was so lovely so I went for a run. Came home and talked to victor on the phone and then went to bed. Can't believe one week ago everything was so chaotic.

I feel like crying but I know if I start I won't stop and I can't. I will push through I will push through I will push through this.

Mommy came to pick me after the English paper yesterday and I was telling her how shit it was and she pulled out a flower from bala knows where and awwwww. She got my fav flower in my fav colour :') And she's taking leave on Thursday to fetch me to school from school then to school and home again.

Today ahma fetched me after because it looked like it was going to rain. And daddy went to work later than he normally does to send me to school. I feel like crying hahahaha (I don't deserve this)

It doesn't feel as official as I thought it would. And it doesn't feel as big as I thought it would. I'm in the midst of it but I still don't feel urgency at all??

I am so scared of disappointing people. The look on their faces sickens me to the gut and it makes my internal organs twist and turn and church. And it makes my heart sink so, so, so low.

I'm sick of not being good enough. I want to break this cycle but I'm just not good enough to not be not good enough.

"Failure does not define you, his favour defines you. It makes you win in life, grants you success in this life, and you will reign in this life."

I am not afraid because I have a God that is bigger and greater than any difficulty. :')

So timely and so insanely blessed :') <3

Today I came home from studying with Shannon and my brothers came to the door and hugged me and said "JIE JIE!!!!" Then I hugged them back and they told me they missed me and I felt so so terrible and guilty.

Then my ahma came over for dinner and my aunt and her boyfriend joined us and we talked about so many things and my dad was being so hilarious and I haven't laughed so hard in so long.

I miss my life and I want my life back. And I haven't really actually come to terms with the fact that I'm taking O's this year but today it really really hit me and I am genuinely scared. I really don't know what to do if I screw this up because I have no back up plan.

I really don't know.

Today was a good day

I got out of the house and saw the sun for the first time in a long time and stepped on wet grass and actually smelt the morning air. Then I headed to Thomson to study and studied quite a lot. Met Shannon for lunch/ dinner then we continued studying. I actually really find joy in studying. I love studying. I just hate studying for exams. Because it defeats the purpose of actually really studying and it takes the joy out of studying. But anyway I love Shannon and I miss her like crap. I remember how in sec 1 we had like the best December holidays of our lives. We got so close then and look at us now! All grown up! We really have changed so much. And even if we don't go out as often or don't talk as often, I'm still as close or if not closer to her. It's a different kind of friendship, the one I share with her. And it's special as hell.
Then daddy fetched me home and we went to see Jasmine's old house on the way home. Driving up the hill, waves and waves of nostalgia hit me. I literally spent me childhood there. I remember her room so clearly, white double decker bed, pink walls with paint peeling off where posters used to be, her study table, the smell of her room, the blinds, the rows and rows of CDs hidden in the stairs of the double decker bed. I remember going to her house so much in primary school. I remember the swing at the playground, her neighbour's cat ginger, trick o treating around the estate, playing badminton outside her house on the road, I can even taste the food that her maid cooks.
Then when I got home I saw that they left me crab and soup and so I ate the crab and drank the soup and went to bathe. Watched the 9 o clock show in my parents' room then went back down and wrote a Chinese compo and watched The Voice. Read and bit and I am going to bed haaaappy :-)

Sights of this morning:

1. A lovely old couple on the train listening to music together, one bud in each ear.
2. Two 80 year old women (presumably best friends) having breakfast together. Sat together, with flowery overalls, pearl earrings, jade bangles, greyed hair, but so so happy
3. A man sleeping at the corner, a boy approaching the table next to the man with his grandmother. The boy turned to his grandmother and said "Shh"

People are so lovely.

I'm so afraid of losing people

Everyone has two sides to them. One they choose to show the world and one they hide.
((((I'm so scared that you will peel away the layers and come inside))))

Don't even know what I'm doing with my life ha ha ha

Life feels like pencil lead. With every stroke, it triturates, pulverising into powder, into dust, then eventually into nothing. And my entire life feels like it is drawn in pencil, everything so ephemeral, one rub can erase so much. I find it so sickening how temporary everything in my life feels. I feel petrified thinking of how easy it is to lose something, to lose someone, to become nothing. How you can't ever turn back time. It's ironic, actually, how things you treasure and people you love are written and crafted in pencil. So fragile, so temporary. Then things you don't want to remember, people you want to forget, they are drawn in pen, in ink, indelible.
I literally feel like a train wreck. Like 5 railway tracks decide to collide into a junction, all my train of thoughts colliding to form a mass of chaos. I can't think straight. I don't have the mental energy to straighten out my thoughts. My mind feels like it's convulsing, and I think it is. But I can't be sure. It's too foggy in there to see anything.

(Ironic how you're the hardest to figure out but yet your figure is the only one I can make out from the mess and chaos and flood of debris)

Amazing day :'))
Headed to town to study with Shannon and Micaela in the morning! Then we studied and ate more than we studied and talked more than we ate. It was lovely talking and catching up and listening to music with rain failing outside. Then at 3.30 they left to watch mortal instruments while I stayed on to do math and then met April at 4.30 to shop! Then we went to queue for our shiok maki at 5.45 and they came to join us at 6.30! Then we continued queuing and it got really late and Shannon had to go and then micaela had to go so it was just me and April left hahaha. But before they left we just talked and couldn't stop laughing and I strained my hip while laughing because I'm tall and I have books that are heavy and I'm mildly old and my friends are the funniest things on earth. Then we did a lot of embarrassing shit and stuff. And after they left April and I continued to do embarrassing shit and continued to laugh as hard if not harder. Then finally we were at the front of the queue and the feeling was infinite ok. Then we ordered and waited damn long for our food. We were ravenous when our food came. Like srsly. Took pictures and then we took our first bite and our faces must have been really priceless because the shiok maki was srsly so good. We were literally speechless after our first mouth. We were damn animated pls. When the sushi entered our mouths our eyes popped at the same time and it was like a burst of flavours in our mouths and an explosion of emotions everywhere. PLS EVERYBODY GO TRY IT I DONT CARE IF THERE'S A LONG QUEUE JUST QUEUE ALL THE WAY IT'S SO WORTH IT. I'm craving it now this sucks. Then throughout the whole dinner we were just laughing really hard with sushi in our mouths and fish roe sliding down our throats. I love April I cannot omg she's so hilarious hahahaha. Ok then I went home and rolled around and then I decided to watch 3 Idiots. Halfway through it started pouring. Like my windows flung open and my curtains flew out and it was so scary. But I closed everything after that and just listened to the rain and watched the rain. Don't you love night showers. Then Kinder started barking and I knew it was because he was afraid of thunder. So I went down and accompanied him. Brought him my princess towel because it's my favourite towel and he's my favourite thing and he deserves it. Dried him up a little because he ran in the rain. He was so cute he loves it when people sayang him so he will just keep really still and when you stop he will look at you with the cutest eyes ever and you are just forced to continue. Right then I just laid down with him and continued watching the rain.
It was a really nice night. :')
I'm gonna sleep now because it's 2am and I've Chinese tuition at 10 tmr. Bye

Is this real life? How does it feel like I am living someone else's life. Time is passing too quickly I cannot comprehend

School was really memorable today and I'm really gonna miss how everything is. I feel hollowed out knowing how things are slowly but surely ending. It's so surreal and I really am not ready to leave this school yet.
So this morning we had our last morning jog and as much as I always complain about not wanting to run and end up running one less round most of the time, it was horribly sentimental running for the last time. I rmb at the toa payoh site where the frickin track was only one lane wide and to cut through you had to run on the grass. I remember being all wet and muddy after every morning jog and I also remember running to the back of our sec 2 container class to skip morning jog. I guess life really isn't about one big spectacular moment but more like weaving together a gazillion small (and sometimes insignificant) moments. I will also remember the PE teachers standing around the breadth of the field and looking out for students who walk. I too will remember how Ms Lim always blows the whistle at me to tuck in my shirt and stop talking while running. And not forgetting the HTHTs I have with so many important people while running. Talking about our lives, talking about the present, talking about leaving.
Then during english Celine and I went to the water cooler and I stood there and watched how she refilled her bottle- like always. First she would rinse the cap and then she will fill her bottle with the taller faucet and then she will pour everything out and refill it with the smaller faucet. Then she would pour water into her cap and drink it halfway and walk into the toilet and pour the remaining into the sink. I am much too edacious these days to remember these last moments in school. I am scared of forgetting. I do not want to forget this place that gave me so much to remember.
Anyway, at the water cooler Celine and I couldn't stop laughing. We were delirious. It's those kinds of laughs where you want to stop laughing because your tummy is aching too badly but you can't so you just hold your tummy and stomp your feet and bang your palms against the wall. (Guys pls don't drink from the water cooler I was drinking water and Celine made me laugh and I spat my water out) but anyway it made me really happy afterwards to be able to laugh so wildly like this.
Then recess came and it started out really mellow with everyone just eating and making small talk and I was just really silent because I wanted to remember the sequence of things. I wanted to remember who talked first and who made what reaction and what said what afterwards. I wanted to remember how each and every one of my chinkies laughed and talked through their laughter. Yknow I really am so blessed to have them and I think I'll just be with the anime gang without them because I'm socially awkward and I hate people but love people at the same time. Ok I digress. Anyway, somehow we started talking about embarrassing primary school memories and how we threw toilet paper onto the toilet ceiling and had to use bamboo poles to clear them after. And * told us how she was forced to wear a bra to school and she really hated it so she would wear it to school and in school she would take it out and hide it in her pocket. That cracked us up. Then I told them about my primary school friend who wore her bra backwards. And then we went on to many different things. And at one point I was laughing so hard I had to stand up and leave so I could swallow my chin chow and stop laughing. It's so lovely to be able to be at ease with people.
Then after school YuSee, Hannah, Anthea and I took some photos because it was our last lit lesson. It's unreal how we managed to survive not handing up homework and skipping lessons and staying back for lessons. Anyway I really am gonna miss Ian Tan. He is so different, yknow, from all the other teachers. He lets himself be himself in front of us and he allows himself to drown in the words of literacy and occasionally rehearse plays in front of us. I think one of the regrets I would leave st nicks with is the failure to properly listen in class and love the subject. I really love lit to be honest but I don't know how to do well for it because I haven't been very appreciative of it all these while.
Stayed back after school to study with Karen and Jag then I walked home and picked flowers on the way home as usual but this time I almost got knocked down but it was pretty funny.
Came home and drank lotus root soup and lazed around and Teri texted me to check Facebook and I did. Mr Ang sent us sec 4s a farewell letter each and it touched me to tears. Partly because of the letter but a great proportion of it was due to the fact that we really are leaving. We really are sec 4s now and our journey here is ending. I miss Mr Yeo and I'll miss Ms Leong and all the netballers. I'm gonna miss the netball court and my pole and all the memories left behind from the trainings. I'll remember how happy I would always be on court and how every time I play netball it burns not only my calories but it burns my sadness and melancholy away too. I'll always remember trainings at the holding site where Jac would run and fall because of holes in the ground. Or how after training we would just sit around on the court and peel dried leaves and talk. I'll remember the birthday songs we sang on court and the way everybody looked when we held hands and spun in circles.

Last day of official lessons tomorrow. This feels all too much like a dream.

I'm so afraid of leaving.

You're so precious and fragile and I don't know what to do.

"Everything will be ok in the end."

Where is this "end", then? Because things never ever seem to be ok and I'm so sick of fighting just to watch everything fall again. It's sickening. It's like building a house of cards and you're finally at the top and you're elated and bubbling with hope and you reach over to put the last card, heart beating in rapid cadence, anticipating the moment of completion and bam, the wind blows and your house of cards cave in and you watch your efforts slip through and slow dance in the wind like they are mocking you.

They build you up to tear you down.

the way the sun is right now, with the long shadows and that kind of bright, soft light you get when the sun isn't quite setting. That's the light that makes everything better, everything prettier, and today, everything seemed to be in that light

The world is beautiful. Even if my head is the weight of 30 million textbooks and I'm down with a fever and life is broken and imperfect. Even if we're not talking and there are people crying and my heart is heavy. The world is still beautiful in the way the sun smiles down at the earth and bathe the grass in gold. In the way the flowers perk up towards the ring of fire because there is much hope. In the way the insects and the animals engross themselves in their own opera of cacophony.

today was so exciting.
Had Chinese tuition in the morning then walked down to TP for impromptu studying with Celeste Teo and breakfast and lunch and being really productive. Then I went home talked to mommy and daddy laughed a lot and went out again to meet Shannon in town. Went shopping and had heart to heart talks and rubbish talks then went home. Changed into shorts and went out with the family for supper at toa payoh! It was so nice omg best bak chok mee since bangkok trip. Then I went home bathed told V about my messed up love life and yep.
I need my life back :'(

It's so nice to hear people talk. To just listen to their words, their voices, to watch their faces and mouth change and form shapes. So nice not being the one talking.
I love when between conversations there are long stretches of silence, not awkward in any way, just really comfortable. When there is no need to keep talking, when it's ok to just bask in the sheer company of others. And somehow the silence seem to connect us in a way like words never could.
Had dinner with April last night and it was exactly like that. We talked, we laughed, damn hard, and for moments we were silent because there was no need for words. I love April and I miss her so much. I love how I can take down all my walls, peel off all the masks and just be me and be comfortable with being me. And I love how retarded she is hahaha.

I hate being stuck in a cycle. I hate going to school and coming home and studying and sleeping and repeating this cycle over and over again everyday. I'm so tired. 82 days seem so short for all the topics I've to cover (haven't been mugging, no urgency no urgency..) but so long til freedom.
Can't wait for grad night and sleepovers and adventure cove and USA and Korea and Hong Kong and Christmas and new year and doing everything I can't now.

When the going gets tough, just let me roll into a ball, pls.

Right person, wrong time.
I want to get to know you but it feels impossible which makes me want you more. You're so damn hard to read. Your distance draws me towards you and I feel so needy and disgusting.
(But I know once I get you all these feelings will cease to exist and you will even start to repel me and I will be disgusted by you and I don't want this because you're so nice and you're different)

I want to lose weight. I want to finally be good at something, not good for nothing. I want to be responsible. And I want to be smart. I want to stop being so lazy. I want to finally do something with my disgusting life. I want to clean myself up, be a better person. Judge less, accept more, that's it. I want you. I want so many things. Above all I guess I just really wanna stop being so average and mediocre. And just be something for once. I want people to feel pain when they lose me, white hot pain that won't stop pulsing. Not pangs of sadness that ebb away after some time.

Lastly, I want to be her, because she's everything I'm not.

I really admire those who write well, who have words flowing out of them so easily and effortlessly. They express themselves so well.

Beautiful, beautiful words.

And I hate how I'm never able to scout for the most fitting words to describe how I'm really feeling.

net•bawl;

Yesterday during the carnival, I realised how much I actually missed netball. I miss the adrenaline rush when you're running for a pass and you jump and turn and land and look for another player to pass to. Or that feeling when you finally get free from your defender and you split and get the ball. Or that infinite feeling when you spin, lift, shoot and the ball goes in perfectly without touching the rim. I miss being part of a team and playing for that team. Yesterday we only had 7 people to play all 10 games and it felt amazing winning game, after game, after game, and getting better and better.
I'm really gonna miss netball when I stop playing. It hit me yesterday that that last game with TKGS might be the last time I'll ever be on court. Hurts to leave this game that taught me so much.

"Actually i was thinking n I realised from yesterday's performance, what an awesome player u have become. I rmb u were a defender when i just came in but were trying so hard to try to shoot well. I just gave u abit of tips how to improve your technique n u just took off fr there. Its such a great n humbling experience witnessing all this unfold before my eyes. I think u r one of the best shooters i hv ever had the chance of coaching. Your current level of skill, with the potential u still hv within u, i think u will no doubt scale greater heights. My only regret is we do not have more time to work tgt..... sigh*"

This is the reason why I play netball. Not the praise, not the wins, but to make coach proud. Because he is really the one that fuelled my passion for netball and inspired me to become the player I am today. Because without his coaching, I would really be nowhere near where I am today. Yesterday we heard some really depressing news from coach. And it really cuts deep. We knew we had to play well and make him proud. And when you play for a reason, apart from wanting to win, you play the best games of your life.
Coach, we've won this battle. Now it's time to win yours.

School has been really really draining and extremely binding. We end at 5 every other day and the earliest I've gone home this week is at 4. There's totally no time to go out or anything because there's at least 3 tests a week. 101 days left to O's and I don't feel any urgency whatsoever. Just lethargy and that immense desire to give up everything and retreat into a rock. Blergh.

But above all I think we should all take some time to appreciate the people and beauty around us. Don't look back and regret dedicating all your time and energy on your studies when there's much more to life than that. :-)

School's starting tomorrow and I'm really really reluctant to go back. I can't wait to see all my babies but the thought of having to study and mug until the end of O's really truly sickens me. It just hit me how I can't go out as and when I like anymore and even if I do I'll feel so damn guilty about it. I feel so tired and worn out already just thinking about how hectic the next 4 months will be. Life.. :-(

Haven't actually been really genuinely happy in forever.

Idk I was just thinking why I wasn't happy then I realised the reason really lies with me.

I think too much and I over analyse everything and I get jealous too easily. I like to push people away and when they drift I want them back. I reject dates and when they go out with someone else I get annoyed. I dislike someone then I realise how much she really means to me and regret every bad thought I had of her. I try too hard and I act too damn well so much so that I actually believed that I was genuinely happy. I expect the world from people and when they give me the stars I get disappointed and upset. I want everything done my way and when it doesn't I get frustrated. I judge people too easily and I don't treasure those around me. I take everything for granted. I don't appreciate things like I should. I really hate myself. If I met myself I wouldn't even be friends with myself because I am everything I dislike.

But I am trying to be better. It's hard but I'm really trying.

Lunch + MBS

Birthday lunch with the babes at La Nonna

Amazing bread

Mac and Cheese

Lasagna 

Risotto

La Nonna

Prosciutto x mozzarella  

Lamb shank

Crespella 

Lemon Tart

Then we cabbed down to MBS

and acted like tourists

and became a princess

and had a pajamas party

and had macs for supper because one bowl of cup noodles just isn't enough.

Haven't had so much fun in forever :')

This whole stay was the most hilarious thing ever. 

(We were high from 0.04% alcohol in our shandy.)

So we drew the curtains and it felt like night time even though it was like 3pm and after what seems like partying for three million years we checked the time and it was only 9pm but everyone was already so sleepy hahaha.

The whole time we were just talking over each other and laughing so much like the kind where you roll on the floor and stomp your feet and hold your tummy and wish you could stop laughing because it hurts but you can't.

And eating a lot. 

But I had a really fun time with the chinkies and I love them so so much :') 

I can't believe you. I am so disgusted with the words you dare say. I would never have thought you were such a person. I honestly don't know how to face you anymore. I'm not even disappointed in your actions.

I'm revolted.

live while you're old

It's intimidating.

To know that one day, you'll lose your dad, your mom, your grandparents, your friends, yourself. One day, you will wake up and realize that someone or something is no longer part of your life, and you'll be left with this deep, wide, void in your heart that will never cease to be there. In that hole, it will be piled sky high with your regrets- the things you wanted but never had time to do with her, the words you once said to him that left you in a state of remorse, your mistakes, your faults, your fissures.

One day, everything you've worked so hard for, the build up of your efforts, the compilation of your passion, will crumple to naught.

And you can't do anything to stop it.

Everything in life is transient, remember that. It is scary to know that in one moment you can have everything you've ever dreamed of having, and in the next, those things will be stolen away from you- gone, like the wind. You can try to hold on to it, to salvage it, to piece the remains, but no, things are like sand, tiny tiny grains of sand that slip through your fingers, bit by bit, little by little, until it's all gone. But yet it is also liberating to know that with everything in your life, there's a time limit to it. It forces you to cherish whatever you have. When you know that you are nearing the end, when you know that you only have minutes, seconds, moments left, that's when you start to treasure everything you have.

Live while you're old, I say, so that you make every fleeting second count.

Off to Maldives tomorrow for a much needed getaway.

It has come to a point where the tears just don't stop flowing. The second my mind wanders, bam, the floodgates open. It's so embarrassing to cry everywhere- school, bus, road, bed, dining table. It feels horrible too.

I'm really facing the hardest part of my life right now. I just wish I could wake up and everything will be fine. All I want now is for Kinder to come home so that I can hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.

It's so funny to see everyone's helpless faces when I just start crying but friends thank you so much for the love, the messages, hugs, tweets, phone calls. I will tide over this.

No one should ever feel this kind of pain, ever.

For the first time in a long time I cried in front of my mom. It felt so good to hug her and just cry into her shirt. I love you mommy, so so much. Thank you.

I'm at an all time low. Literally all I can do right now is just cry. I've been crying non stop since Tuesday and it hurts so much. I don't know how I'm ever gonna recover. I just want everything to be ok again. It feels like a frickin nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up and see that things are normal again but I never wake up and things are not okay. This hurts so bloody bad. I can't even sleep to escape because my mind is too loud. Why why why why why. I wish I could say I am done but it's more than that. All my previous friendship and relationship problems and insecurities look so bloody minuscule to this. I really wish this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. I really want to feel ok again.
I feel so disgusted with myself because I'm supposed to stay strong for him but now all I can do is cry. And I have so many things to do next week but I just wanna cancel them so I can roll in bed and cry. I feel like a fucking loser. Today I was walking home and I started crying again and when I reached home my maid opened the door for me and I ran up to my room to cry. This feels so terrible and I don't know how to deal with this loss. I hate this with my entire being.

And I can't do things to distract myself or go out and have fun because I feel so bloody guilty and when I do I just feel the guilt griping all my internal organs and I just start to cry and cry again.

SNNB ∞

A moment

 A love

A dream 

 A laugh

A kiss 

 A cry

Our rights, our wrongs

(Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap)

I remember so clearly sitting in the MPR at the Toa Payoh site watching Facing the Giants in 2010. That was my first farewell in SNNB, for the green badges. 

At that time I couldn't really comprehend what was going on, all I knew is that they were leaving and the last thing we're doing together as a team is watching a movie. 

In a blink of an eye, 4 years have passed. 

It's our turn to graduate now.

The say that seconds before you die, your entire life flashes before you.

And it is true.

Leaving this team is like dying, it really is. 

This morning I picked up my shoe bag and something in me died. It dawned on me how I won't have to reach for that shoe bag ever again. I wouldn't have to stay back until 6.30 every Mon, Wed and Fri anymore. I won't have netball anymore. It literally feels like a whole chunky part of me is ripped out. And it hurts. So bad. 

What do you mean netball is no longer part of my routine?

I can't accept it. 

But it is the way it is, and all good things come to an end.

And I can safely say that this team has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Sec 1s, 

Train hard.

In Sec 1 I almost quit netball because I just couldn't take running 3km in the hot sun before every training, and doing 3 suicides in the setting sun after every training. I remember going home to cry every other night because I didn't have time to study for the common tests every Tuesday. 

But I didn't and netball has been the biggest biggest part of my life.

After every bad day I would look forward to training because my teammates always knew how to make things better. 

Treasure your time and bond with each other. 

You're gonna miss netball so much when you graduate.

Sec 2s, 

I'm gonna miss you noisy bunch so much :-( Even though yall damn nonsense all the time it really makes my day. You guys have a huge lot of potential so train hard and unleash it. Sometimes life doesn't always go your way and you don't win every game but as long as you stick as a team, you're the biggest winner. 

Sec 3s,

Omg ugh I can't even begin to type this. I really really love you guys so much and it's so hard to say goodbye. We haven't had enough fun yet. You are such a special lot and I'm so glad that we've gotten so close. It hurts so damn bad to part with you guys and I'm really gonna miss training. Please lead the team to nationals next year I know you guys have it in you. 

Work hard for yourself and work hard for us. We love you.

Sec 4s,

Thank you for being the best bunch ever. 

So much has changed since we started out in Sec 1 and I'm so proud to call you guys my teammates.

We've gone through so much together- our confession sessions, lunch dates, lazing around in the music room, matching laces that we were forced to remove, sports trip, laughing so hard our tummies hurt, 6 rounds, 3 suicides, 10 min burpees, tears, sweat, and our love for each other. 

Moving from the Toa Payoh site to AMK, having Mr Yeo leave us, having gone from a team of 12 to a team of 9, everything. 

But see, despite all these things, we are still a team. 

And I am thankful.

Guys, words literally cannot encapsulate my love for each and every one of you. We have our differences and we have our conflicting thoughts, but it is the imperfections and the perfections, the cracks and the plaster, the faults and the fissures that make us who we are, and it is the reason why I love you guys so much and why it is so hard to part. 

I'll remember every moment spent with yall, thank you for being such a huge part of my life. 

I feel hollow. 

Have you ever cried so much that you can't breathe? I have.
But the suffocating feeling is nothing compared to the ache in my heart.
Kinder please be ok I really miss you.
Haven't stopped crying in days. I just hope everything will be ok.

Worst day of the year. Literally. I really can't take this shit anymore.
You don't know a bad day till you live a day like today.
I cried so much today I'm sick of crying. Life isn't always a bed of roses. F.

Life is not lost by dying;
life is lost
minute by minute,
day by dragging day,
in all the thousand small
uncaring ways.

This too shall pass.

You know what really sucks?
When no matter how hard you try and how much you're willing to do for a person,
you're still a secondary option.

You're never good enough and you won't ever be good enough.
Learn to let go, yumin. Let go.

I have so many jumbling thoughts and tumbling feelings in me right now and I don't think I've the ability of putting them into cohesive sentences but I need to get all these out.

1. Today has been a really great day.
Took the last paper of our last CA here in St Nicks.
Brought Birthday Cake Oreos to celebrate and during 9 o clock break we just sat around and talked and laughed and got shushed at cause the physics classes were still having exams.
Oh recess was the bomb. It's been forever since all 8 of us ate together because of the shitty timetable and today we laughed so hard it made up for all the lost time. It's the kind where you laugh and laugh and you can't stop even though your tummy hurts. Yeah :')
Oh and after assembly I went back to class and realised my phone was gone. Like legit gone. My wallet was there but my phone wasn't. And I got really scared and I was like "JOANNA I LOST MY PHONE" and she was helping me find when Jamie called her and Jo was like "DID YOU TAKE HER PHONE?" and Jamie was like nooo but everyone is trying to reach her and the person keeps hanging up and I was like shit shit shit. I was super scared like I have so many things inside my phone it would kill me to lose all that. Joanna just continued calling and calling until someone picked up and Jo was like "OMG HELLO WHO ARE YOU HELLO???" and it was frickin Celeste Teo. I was like what?!?!?! where is she? and she was like spiral stairs! So I ran down the stairs and I was so mad cause I thought she took my phone on purpose but then she told me that she was calling my phone and some girl picked up and they agreed to meet at the spiral stairs. Then I was like "Who's the girl? Where did she find my phone?" Then Celeste was like "I don't know she passed it to Rachel Lee to pass to me" and I was like "But... Rachel Lee's not in school today?" and celeste was like "But Rachel Lee passed it to me." So yeah.
I'm still trying to unravel the mystery of the missing phone and reappearance of Rachel.
Then we went to Macs for lunch and it was another round of intense laughter. I love the poppycocks to much :') I feel most comfortable when I'm with them. Then we went back to school and sat around watching videos and sitting on the swing and just talking and laughing.
Then I went to meet Charmaine in town for dinner. Decided on Shokudo and we just shared a ton of stories and laughed a lot and basically ate a lot. Haha love that girl. Then I came home and 20 mins later mommy came home and I was soooo happy because she's finally back from Aussie. Tbh I didn't even know she went to Aussie. I just vaguely remembered her coming into my room and kissing me at 1 am but I thought it was a dream but the next morning she was gone so.
Oh and the bus uncle made my day. At the interchange when every one got up, he said "Good evening" (even though it was 11) to literally every single one that walked up. He did it with so much enthusiasm and sincerity that it just really touched me. And it sounds kinda warped that such a little thing can cause such a great deal but it's really not often you see people treat strangers with such sincerity these days anymore. And whenever someone alighted he would say "Thank you!" really loudly but people just ignore him. I won't say I'm mad but I guess I'm just really disappointed that we are so distant from one another and how little things don't matter that much anymore.
When I got out I said goodnight to him and he waved back to me as he drove off and it made my night.

2. The world looks beautiful at 3am- Fog covered roofs yellow street lamps the stillness.

3. You're so annoying it's not even funny.

4. God is good. :')

You know how sometimes you just want to cry but you can't because you're in a public place. And you hold it in and it feels even worse because the pain stings you and your nose hurts and your eyes want to water even more. I hate this feeling.

take down the walls

There are 2 things you guys NEED to do. Like srsly if you don't do these two things it's like you've never lived.

1. Go read Delirium, Pandemonium and Requiem.
I've never read a better trilogy. Lauren Oliver has the most beautiful words. Ever. I don't know how she does it but her words make you feel things you never thought existed in the dictionary of feelings. She puts emotions down into words so well it baffles me. Please, really, you have to read the whole trilogy.
2. Go watch S4 of The Voice
Best. Season. Ever. This needs no explanation but srsly it's so amazing and intense I feel like crying. And it's so hilarious I feel like crying too. It's amazing ok pls go watch it.

Ok goodnight.

I need to start learning how to treat people right and I need to stop pushing everyone who cares away. F.

No matter how sad you are, how empty you feel, how much tears you've cried, the world won't ever stop for you. You can feel like you're in a daze and you can feel like hiding under a rock but the world still orbits. It hit me today during assembly that really, whatever happens, life goes on. I can feel like crap but the daily routine still continues- wake up, go to school, have lunch, go for training, dinner, homework, sleep, repeat.
No matter how lousy you feel, life goes on in a motion, and you can't do anything to stop it. Everyone around you will still continue with their daily life. You can stand there and let your emotions conquer you but you know you can never conquer time. The world will still pass you by.

"Things change and friends leave and life doesn't stop for anybody."

Indeed.

the longest post ever

Photoroll~~~

Lunch with Ali Mere Celeste and Lala after the last CA paper 

Steamboat with the family 

Thursday

Quiznos after baking with Celeste and Mica

Friday

Last day of school.

Was eating lunch with Bren Yusee and Celine when I spotted the cutest little girl ever eating her watermelon at the table next to us. Started talking to her and she's really nothing like the little annoying P2 kids who try to get your attention and act dumb or cute. She's really adorable aaaah. Took a picture with her and told her to add me on Facebook when she create next time hahaha.

Saturday

Went out with Charmaine Sng on saturday. It was so nice catching up with her and remembering the stupid things we did in kindergarten. It's scary to see how much we've changed over the past 12 years but yet comforting to know that even after all these years we are still all the same. 

We talked and talked and it was just a really lovely night catching her :')

It's days like these I really cherish.

Sunday

High tea with the mothership at Antoinette, followed by intense shopping. No one knows me like my mommy does, really. <3

March holidays

Went jogging with the fav girl (I know I have a lot of fav girls but these people really mean a lot to me <3) from our house to MacRitchie and walked back.

It was so lovely running and weaving along houses and roads and listening to music in one ear and hearing our steady breaths in the other. 

Dinner with the grandparents

Sashimi that is so fresh it melts once you put it into your mouth.

Oyster that is so fresh it bursts in your mouth

This is the most underrated food piece ever. Omg guys you have no idea how awesome pitan tofu is. It's amazing. Nothing will ever do it justice until you eat it ok. 

A5 wagyu that bursts in your mouth

Crab porridge that was so full of flavour.

Tofu cheesecake

Ugliest but most expensive fish I've ever seen/ eaten. And also the nicest fish I've ever tasted.

The food is frickin amazing like omg I can't even begin to describe how amazing it is but it's really amazing.

Sleepover with Jo and Evan

The next day I went to school bright and early for english oral and I screwed it up so badly haha. Lik Qi decided to come over impromptu and we did some work and talked. Then she left and I bathed and rushed to meet Yusee and Jade in town. Walked around a bit to shop for props (for the Queenstown Carnival). Met Jo and took a cab back to my place to start doing the props.

Realised we didn't have a paintbrush so I went up and got them hotel toothbrushes haha.

Then we sat around and talked and laughed and they all went home.

Parents weren't home so the brothers and I ordered two large pizzas and after 10 mins everything was gone. Seriously.

Friday

Went back to school for training and April and Yuri came back to visit! I missed them so much omg you have no idea. We finally got to play as a team again :') 

Went out for lunch with them afterwards and had so much fun catching up.

Then went home bathed and rushed out for ahma's birthday dinner.

Dinner was at Imperial Treasures at Marina Bay Finance center and it was such a lovely place. 

The interior was so frickin pretty and nothing beats a meal with a view.

Saturday

So on Saturday, the class did CIP at Queenstown CC.

It was a carnival and we were required to set up booths to raise funds. It felt more like class bonding and it was so heartening to see everyone come together to try to sell our drinks and get people to come to our photobooth. I think it's little events like these that I will remember most.

Then after the carnival me and Evan went to Ikea to have a VANMIN dinner haha :')

Met Miss Law there!

Over dinner we talked about life and what it'll be like 10 years down the road. So much will change. I am excited yet I am scared. 10 years down the road I'll be 25. So much will have been accomplished by the time I'm 25. I would have graduated, found a job, found a guy (maybe), gotten my own car, and probably have 10 cats already. Every year passes so quickly and we feel like we haven't accomplished much nor changed much but if you look back 10 years, you would realise how different things were. But anyway I love talking to Evan. Htht with this girl is the best. She gets me thinking about a lot of things and it feels so liberating. 

<3

Mommy dearest fetched me from Ikea and I told her I was hungry so we headed to J8 for supper.

HELLO CAN SOEMBODY BUY THIS FOR ME PLS

Sunday

Went to the grandparent's house to celebrate ahma's birthday (cake cutting).

I love my ahma so much I really do. 

My grandmother is superwoman. I've never seen anyone as strong as her. For 10 years she's been battling the C monster and never once has she ever given up. I don't ever wanna lose her because she's been such a great influence in my life. Her love and compassion for others inspires me everyday and her determination to live makes me realise how young and how adventurous my life should be. I don't know how I'll ever live without her. 

Cherish everyday and everyone around you because you really don't know what tomorrow holds.

That's all I can say.

And my best friend is supergirl.

She's supergirl because she carries the weight of not only her burdens but also mine. She's the only one I can truly pour everything out to and she's the only friend that really understands me. Every time I see her it makes my week because she's just this beam of sunlight that never stops shining and her laughter is so infections it continues to ring in my ears even after 10 million years. I know I've said this a gazillion times but I love you so much Shannon WLW and you mean the universe to me <3

Coming to school to find all these little things on the table really makes my day.

Saturday

Dim sum with ahma and the brothers and the parents.

How beautiful is my grandma :')

Then for dinner we went back to the same Japanese restaurant because the food is really too darn good.

Lo and behold this is an ice plant. The droplets look like water droplets but they are actually not water. Idk where they are but they just stay on the plant and it's part of the plant. 

And this is the nicest plant I've ever eaten.

Mm.

Sunday

Went to church with Alison and Sara for Easter service and all I can say is

"Our God is Able"

Went out for waffles with my aunt and the grandmother after church <3 

I love my baby so much <3

Thursday

Finally went out with Shannon Bouncysmack after the loooooongest time ever. I miss her so much and I seriously love going out with her aah :') Had a whale of time eating like crazy and shopping like crazy and laughing like crazy.

I live for these moments.

Friday-Saturday

BEST TWO DAYS OF 2013 HANDS FRICKIN DOWN AAAH IT DESERVES A POST ON IT'S ON OK SOOON.