Is this real life? How does it feel like I am living someone else's life. Time is passing too quickly I cannot comprehend

School was really memorable today and I'm really gonna miss how everything is. I feel hollowed out knowing how things are slowly but surely ending. It's so surreal and I really am not ready to leave this school yet.
So this morning we had our last morning jog and as much as I always complain about not wanting to run and end up running one less round most of the time, it was horribly sentimental running for the last time. I rmb at the toa payoh site where the frickin track was only one lane wide and to cut through you had to run on the grass. I remember being all wet and muddy after every morning jog and I also remember running to the back of our sec 2 container class to skip morning jog. I guess life really isn't about one big spectacular moment but more like weaving together a gazillion small (and sometimes insignificant) moments. I will also remember the PE teachers standing around the breadth of the field and looking out for students who walk. I too will remember how Ms Lim always blows the whistle at me to tuck in my shirt and stop talking while running. And not forgetting the HTHTs I have with so many important people while running. Talking about our lives, talking about the present, talking about leaving.
Then during english Celine and I went to the water cooler and I stood there and watched how she refilled her bottle- like always. First she would rinse the cap and then she will fill her bottle with the taller faucet and then she will pour everything out and refill it with the smaller faucet. Then she would pour water into her cap and drink it halfway and walk into the toilet and pour the remaining into the sink. I am much too edacious these days to remember these last moments in school. I am scared of forgetting. I do not want to forget this place that gave me so much to remember.
Anyway, at the water cooler Celine and I couldn't stop laughing. We were delirious. It's those kinds of laughs where you want to stop laughing because your tummy is aching too badly but you can't so you just hold your tummy and stomp your feet and bang your palms against the wall. (Guys pls don't drink from the water cooler I was drinking water and Celine made me laugh and I spat my water out) but anyway it made me really happy afterwards to be able to laugh so wildly like this.
Then recess came and it started out really mellow with everyone just eating and making small talk and I was just really silent because I wanted to remember the sequence of things. I wanted to remember who talked first and who made what reaction and what said what afterwards. I wanted to remember how each and every one of my chinkies laughed and talked through their laughter. Yknow I really am so blessed to have them and I think I'll just be with the anime gang without them because I'm socially awkward and I hate people but love people at the same time. Ok I digress. Anyway, somehow we started talking about embarrassing primary school memories and how we threw toilet paper onto the toilet ceiling and had to use bamboo poles to clear them after. And * told us how she was forced to wear a bra to school and she really hated it so she would wear it to school and in school she would take it out and hide it in her pocket. That cracked us up. Then I told them about my primary school friend who wore her bra backwards. And then we went on to many different things. And at one point I was laughing so hard I had to stand up and leave so I could swallow my chin chow and stop laughing. It's so lovely to be able to be at ease with people.
Then after school YuSee, Hannah, Anthea and I took some photos because it was our last lit lesson. It's unreal how we managed to survive not handing up homework and skipping lessons and staying back for lessons. Anyway I really am gonna miss Ian Tan. He is so different, yknow, from all the other teachers. He lets himself be himself in front of us and he allows himself to drown in the words of literacy and occasionally rehearse plays in front of us. I think one of the regrets I would leave st nicks with is the failure to properly listen in class and love the subject. I really love lit to be honest but I don't know how to do well for it because I haven't been very appreciative of it all these while.
Stayed back after school to study with Karen and Jag then I walked home and picked flowers on the way home as usual but this time I almost got knocked down but it was pretty funny.
Came home and drank lotus root soup and lazed around and Teri texted me to check Facebook and I did. Mr Ang sent us sec 4s a farewell letter each and it touched me to tears. Partly because of the letter but a great proportion of it was due to the fact that we really are leaving. We really are sec 4s now and our journey here is ending. I miss Mr Yeo and I'll miss Ms Leong and all the netballers. I'm gonna miss the netball court and my pole and all the memories left behind from the trainings. I'll remember how happy I would always be on court and how every time I play netball it burns not only my calories but it burns my sadness and melancholy away too. I'll always remember trainings at the holding site where Jac would run and fall because of holes in the ground. Or how after training we would just sit around on the court and peel dried leaves and talk. I'll remember the birthday songs we sang on court and the way everybody looked when we held hands and spun in circles.

Last day of official lessons tomorrow. This feels all too much like a dream.

I'm so afraid of leaving.

You're so precious and fragile and I don't know what to do.

"Everything will be ok in the end."

Where is this "end", then? Because things never ever seem to be ok and I'm so sick of fighting just to watch everything fall again. It's sickening. It's like building a house of cards and you're finally at the top and you're elated and bubbling with hope and you reach over to put the last card, heart beating in rapid cadence, anticipating the moment of completion and bam, the wind blows and your house of cards cave in and you watch your efforts slip through and slow dance in the wind like they are mocking you.

They build you up to tear you down.

the way the sun is right now, with the long shadows and that kind of bright, soft light you get when the sun isn't quite setting. That's the light that makes everything better, everything prettier, and today, everything seemed to be in that light

The world is beautiful. Even if my head is the weight of 30 million textbooks and I'm down with a fever and life is broken and imperfect. Even if we're not talking and there are people crying and my heart is heavy. The world is still beautiful in the way the sun smiles down at the earth and bathe the grass in gold. In the way the flowers perk up towards the ring of fire because there is much hope. In the way the insects and the animals engross themselves in their own opera of cacophony.

today was so exciting.
Had Chinese tuition in the morning then walked down to TP for impromptu studying with Celeste Teo and breakfast and lunch and being really productive. Then I went home talked to mommy and daddy laughed a lot and went out again to meet Shannon in town. Went shopping and had heart to heart talks and rubbish talks then went home. Changed into shorts and went out with the family for supper at toa payoh! It was so nice omg best bak chok mee since bangkok trip. Then I went home bathed told V about my messed up love life and yep.
I need my life back :'(

It's so nice to hear people talk. To just listen to their words, their voices, to watch their faces and mouth change and form shapes. So nice not being the one talking.
I love when between conversations there are long stretches of silence, not awkward in any way, just really comfortable. When there is no need to keep talking, when it's ok to just bask in the sheer company of others. And somehow the silence seem to connect us in a way like words never could.
Had dinner with April last night and it was exactly like that. We talked, we laughed, damn hard, and for moments we were silent because there was no need for words. I love April and I miss her so much. I love how I can take down all my walls, peel off all the masks and just be me and be comfortable with being me. And I love how retarded she is hahaha.