worry

You know how sometimes, you come across little things that trigger a great load of your memories? Like when you decide to scroll through your notes and you find one dated 4 months back and when you read it, you remember the pain and anguish you felt at that moment. Then you realise how far you've come and how you really did not have to go through so much pain and heartbreak then because everything turned out fine eventually. To be quite honest I think we worry too much. We worry when there's nothing to be worried about and we worry when we know that our worry can't change things. Sometimes we even feel bad when we don't worry cause we worry we are doing things wrong, if you know what I mean. It's 9am and I'm hurting too much to get out of bed. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions. I miss you.

My results so far have been miraculous. Not fantastic, but good enough. Only got one A1 this term but it's fine, all that I though I would have failed, I passed. I can't say that I've did my best, but I know that I've done my all (even if it's just the day before). And I am really thankful. We got back chem and amath and chinese today, the 3 most difficult papers on record. But I didn't fail. I scraped a pass, but I didn't fail. Getting back pure Geog and elect Lit tomorrow.
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

First training in a really long time and my back hurts like a snail. Idk but it just hurts a lot and I want to cry and chop it off. And it wasn't even because of training. Rn I'm just lying on the ice pack waiting for my crab to come home. Today was a happy day we got to play water soccer but we just ended up sliding and rolling everywhere haha. But anyway not everyday is Sunday and my shooting percentage was crappy today. Hate it.

anon

It's way past my bedtime but I just finished season 1 of Pretty Little Liars and I can't sleep. My adrenaline level is sky high. Right now I can't stop thinking and my thoughts are going crazy.
1) I think I kinda want a secret life.
One that no one knows of. Maybe not a secret life but a secret me, yknow? I wanna be anonymous for a day. I wanna write on the walls of those who are broken and sad. I wanna tell them that everything's gonna be fine. I wanna be me, for a day, and know that no one can judge me. Because they don't know who I am and will never know who I am. Yknow how sometimes, you come across something really nice, then you see the owner of that something, and you go "ew". I don't wanna be that person. I wanna be able to actually speak my mind for a day, do the craziest things in the world and I want to just be free.
2) I want to just be able to go up to random people and hug them
I want to tell them to stop looking so sad and stop acting like it's the end of the world. I am 15, I know nothing much about this world, but what I know is is that life is too short to be anything but happy. Your friendship flopped? Cry a river. You're having relationship problems? Build a bridge. You feel like an utter disappointment? Get over it. Honestly, I know how painful it is to feel like nothing in this world. It sucks. It's so frustrating to know that you're as transparent as glass. It hurts, too, to know that you were never the priority and that there's always someone more important than you. It hurts to know that you're not always the person someone will go to and it hurts to know that even as you may care so much for a certain someone, that person doesn't give two shits about you. But life gets better. It does.
3) I need to stop being so fickle and hurting everyone around me
4) I need to lock my heart up

P/s: this time last week I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe but hey, I'm fine now. And you will be too.

best

It just hit me. It finally hit me. I can never be a food critic. Or a book critic or any critic for that matter. Everything, literally, to me, is "the best thing ever". Everyday I go to school with a new book and announce that it's "the best book ever". I go to the supermarket with my friends and I make them buy and try everything because it's "the best thing ever". I think I'm crazy.

Wanted Weekend

THE WANTED LIVE @ MAX PAVILION 

with Teri Natalyn Celeste April Shona Jie Ying and Xin Yi <3

With Nat and Teri on the way to EXPO. It was such a long ride and it was 8 am in the morning and we were so sleepy. Met April on the way and we went to take over Celeste in the queue.

CTS logo <3 

Right basically it was a very sweaty and hectic day. Queued at Max Pavilion from 8 am til about noon and we got Denise to help us watch over our things while we scurry over to Bugis for their signing. The signing was amazing I got to kiss and hug all of them except Siva cause the dude kept pulling my bag away. Celeste took videos for me awwh <3 I have grown to really love Jay he's such a nice jovial dude. After getting a kiss from Nathan I moved to Jay and I stretched out his arms and he said "Awww" and hugged me and kissed me on my cheek <3 Then I got to hug Max and Tom and got kisses on my cheeks from them toooooo. My heart was beating so quickly as we moved along haha. Then after the signing April the genius realised she lost her concert ticket! So we were all like frantic and scared for her and we decided to check with the Information Counter and phew they found her ticket.

Cabbed back with them to EXPO. 

Queued for a while more and sat there and talked and laughed so much. We went up to the hill to take pictures with the pretty lalangs too.

THEN IT WAS SQUEEZING WITH THE CROWD WHILE WAITING FOR THE CONCERT DOORS TO OPEN. It was crazy. Everyone was hot and sweaty and we were all too close for comfort. But then the security let 10 people by 10 people go in and we were the second batch on the 10 so when the doors opened for us we RAN in. Like seriously it was crazy. We just ran and ran and ran and got scolded and ran even more and we were front row!!! It was amazing omg. 

So when the concert started I saw Jay and everyone around me was jumping and jamming so I tip toed and smiled and waved to Jay AND HE MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME. Next thing I know, he blew me a kiss with both hands and mouthed "I love you"/ "I remember you" (I couldn't tell) and my heart melted. I felt dizzy and Celeste turned to me and gave me the "OMG" look.

When they sang chasing the sun I lifted up my fist and showed them the CTS logo on the back of my hand. Max and Jay lifted theirs, looked at it, and fist pumped in the air with me. I couldn't even omg my life. Nathan was such an entertainer. They did a Coldplay medley and it felt so... nice. The whole concert hall was just singing along with them and you could hear their raw voices and it was amazing. Tom did a guitar solo and I've never quite felt love like this before. It was a great concert though it ended so fast. It was too short imo but every moment was great. I can't even begin to describe how much I love TW. 

Cause I'm with you

And you're with me <3 

And at one part Max and Tom and Jay ran past the front row and me, April and Celeste grabbed on to Max's hand. So I made eye contact with him and I mouthed "I love you" and he pouted his lips and said "love yo" and then Jay headbanged him and he ran back up on stage. WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE SOMEONE TELL ME. 

Best night in a long time. 

(and the next day I woke up and heard Rocket playing and my heart dropped and I felt like crying. Withdrawals suck.)

Stumbled upon this video like just and I can feel the tears surfacing again. I miss the boys so much,

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TTSXQvTIM4o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

tumble

This post is basically a massive photoroll of things that happened/ food I ate while I was disconnected from the social world.

Awesome lamb rack my helper cooked. 

I feel so happy everyday coming to school knowing that there's chicken rice yay.

(even though I don't eat the chicken hahaha)

Rainbow cake from Sam <3

This is amazing I can't even it has crunchie rocks AND black forest jellies my two ultimate favourrite Cadbury fillings ever IN A BAR. 

Mummy bought dinner yay :-) XLB from Paradise Dynasty and Hazelnut Mocha.

I think on one of the thursdays I felt unwell after running with the netties in the morning so I went home early. It felt so terrible omg I wanted to die. I was sweating and freezing and I felt like puking ughhh. But anyway, the point is, my dearest Evan came over with chin chow and chicken rice awwh I couldn't love her more. Had a great time with her <3

We had so much fun with pomelos on one of the long recess days. It was crazy. Alison wore the pomelo on her head as a helmet and everyone that walked past our table were like "wtf". We eventually used the pomelo as a phone and Alison actually made a really hilarious gif with the pomelos aha <3 And can y'all please look at Celeste in the photo <3 

Omg then during english I got bored so I wrote numbers on my phonemelo (I missed out a 0 so I couldn't call myself) and went over to Ali's class after english. So at the door I took out my phonemelo and called her and she picked up and we had a really interesting chat. Had mass PE afterwards and it was hilarious. We played soccer and everything felt so funny even though my head was throbbing from the heat. I think it got so funny someone ultimately literally started rolling on the floor. And Joanna was so determined to hit the ball into the goal everyone stopped and stared and waited for the moment and she kicked the ball and bam. There goes my (barely-existent) womanhood. It was really painful though. And there were loads of chest bumps. Crazy day.

Sushi night 

Life is having never ending ice cream. 

My olloclip came in the mail and I was so happy yayayay. It's sharp and good and takes nice photos!

Rain

Ice cream + The Voice

Fav seafood marinara

Mummy and daddy came back with macaroons and it made my day yay.

Got so sick of studying I decided to fill up my planner hell yeah.

My parents are such kids <3

I think this was two or three saturdays ago but this was during the charity gala. Had to go cause we donated two tables and I really needed a break from studying too.

Momsie <3

Love my ahma so much I can't even :')

 With the grandfathership <3 

It was quite a fun night so nice to see my cousin who is normally in shrots and t-shirt to wear a dress and have make up on. And had so much fun talking with my aunt throughout the whole dinner.

The Monday before the maths paper the parents brought us out to eat. 

THIS IS AMAZING AAAH. It's like Akashi's soy paste king prawns but cod fish version! And I love fish.

Then for the rest of the week I practically stayed at home and studied and studied. Bye bye social life. 

Can someone please tell me how not to love this girl. We've been best friends for about 4 years now and the friendship I have with her is unreal. She literally is the sister God forgot to give me and her house is seriously my second home. I love how at ease I am with her family and how I know her house like the back of my hand. And the fact that she's always so sweet and supportive makes me love her even more <3 

flight

It has been a hell of an emotional week from feeling accomplished to crumbling down to feeling happy to feeling like it's the end of the world and then feeling ok again. It has been a bad week but I am thankful. Had a mental breakdown yesterday and I haven't cried that much in a long long time. I guess it's the feeling of not doing your best and letting yourself down that really eats me up. But all the messages and mentions really surprised me and left me feeling immensely blessed. Sucked it up and went to bed since there was nothing much I could do anymore. Then at 4 am daddy come down from his room to wake me up and Hannah and Jac gave me a morning call. :') I felt bad if I didn't wake up since they actually bothered so I climbed out of bed. Read through LORMS and went back to sleep at 5 cause my head was throbbing really badly and there's a math too. So anyway went to school looking really disgusting and feeling so lost because I didn't know what R Formula was. I felt so bad cause I really didn't wanna disappoint Miss Choo who does so much for us like stay back with us to do math til 7 pm and I felt awful too cause I kept troubling Mr Ang on Friday when Miss Choo was so busy she ignored me. But I messed up the a maths paper anyway. :-( Then it was geog and my hand was cramping throughout cause of all the excessive writing. But it was better than math and I was delirious when the teacher collected the paper. Chest bumped Evan and went to find Mr Tan for Lit consultation.  Tomorrow marks the end of the EOY period and I can't wait for training. Maybe not so much of physical but I just miss being on the court. I really miss being a team of 13 with the seniors and Mr Yeo too. We had such a great season and we grew so much as a team as well as as individuals. It is extremely scary how quickly time has passed since then and also very daunting how near 2013 is.

Why don't I care anymore?
Because it hurts to care, that's why.
And because it's so much easier to detach yourself from all the important things so that when they are gone, you don't feel any pain.
Or maybe because it hurts so much all the time that it doesn't hurt that much anymore.
An immune response, that's what's it.